September 1, 1862, 
The Union encampment 
north of Washington, DC

I have seen the elephant.  I have shamed 
myself and believe myself to be a coward.  
I don't think anyone knows.

We marched from Fredericksburg on the 5th 
of August and arrived at Rappahannock Station 
on the Orange and Alexandria RR on the 7th.  
We stayed there until the 17th.   While we 
were at Rappahannock Station there were 
several small cavalry skirmishes in the area, 
but we saw no action.

On the 17th, we were assigned to protect 
General Sigel's rear.  He had just captured 
Fayetteville so we marched about five miles 
north along the RR to Bealton.  On the 20th 
we moved an additional ten miles north along 
the RR and set up an encampment where the RR 
crossed Kettle Run.

During our march we passed through Catlett's 
Station where our Army's new Commander General 
Pope had his headquarters.  There must have 
been shelter tents there for close to 20,000 
troops.  I had never before seen so many
men in the same place.

On the morning of the 23rd we found out that 
JEB Stuart's Confederate cavalry had launched a 
surprise attack against General Pope's 
headquarters on the 22nd and almost won the war 
for the Confederates.  He actually managed to 
capture our headquarters.  General Pope managed 
to escape but JEB Stuart did capture General 
Pope's dress uniform!

On the 27th, we broke camp and started north 
along the RR again.  We were supposed to move 
to Bristoe Station which was only about three 
miles away.  Shortly after starting out we came 
face to face with part of General Stonewall 
Jackson's Division.

Somehow they had managed to move all the way 
around our right flank and come up behind us.  
We were surprised, but we were ready to make a 
fight of it.  I was ready and if I had gotten 
a chance to see the elephant there I think I 
would have been alright.

Our regiment and the 21st NJ though were 
pulled out before the fighting even got 
started.  We moved around the enemies right 
flank and advanced toward Gainesville in 
support of General Sigel's Corps.  He was 
attacking Gainesville after having captured 
Warrenton.

We found out later that while all of this was 
going on JEB Stuart's Confederate cavalry moved 
in behind General Sigel and took back Warrenton. 
The parts of our army that were moving on 
Gainesville did not know it at the time but our 
lines of communication to the rest of the army 
and our supply lines had been cut.  This fact 
would play a major role in the upcoming battle.

After advancing through Gainesville with General 
Sigel, we marched east along the Manassas Gap RR 
on the 28th to where it crosses Dawkins Branch
Creek.  We were told we were going to be held in 
reserve there.  The confederates had not opposed 
our move on Gainesville and now we were going to 
be held in reserve again.

I was beginning to think I was never going to see 
any action.  I had mixed feelings about this.  I 
wasn't sure I wanted to see action.

We were awakened on the 29th by the sounds of a 
battle being fought to the north. At about 5:00pm 
we were formed up and told we were being moved
closer to the front.  We marched three miles 
around the rear of General Reynolds' Division and 
were placed in reserve north of Groveton.

On the 30th at about 3:00pm we were placed into 
line of battle as the extreme left flank of a 
force of some 10,000 men who were about to charge
the Confederate lines at a place called the Deep 
Cut a half mile to our north.  I felt I was ready.  
I knew that somewhere in front of me in the mist 
and smoke of battle the elephant was waiting for
me.

When the order was given we moved forward at the 
double quick with bayonets fixed just a screaming 
our head off.  We had gone less than a quarter 
mile when the Confederates opened up on us.  The 
noise was deafening.

Men all around me began to drop.  They were 
screaming in pain and terror.  The sound the 
musket balls made slamming into men reminded 
me of what it sounds like when a watermelon is 
dropped.

But, I was doing alright.  I fired my musket, 
reloaded and started forward again.  Then I 
tripped and fell.

When I looked back I saw that I had tripped 
over my friend Homer.  The whole front of his 
uniform was covered with blood.  He made a 
terrible gasping noise and was silent.

I heard someone screaming and it was several 
seconds before I realized the person screaming 
was me.  I dug my fingers into the earth and 
held on as tightly as I could.  I began crying 
and sobbing uncontrollably.

There was no let up in the noise but through 
it I heard someone yelling, "Fall back!  Fall 
back! Retreat!".  A chance to escape, I jumped 
up grabbed my musket and began running back the 
way I had come for all I was worth.  The entire 
army was in headlong retreat.

I ran at least a mile and a half to a stone 
house at the intersection of Sudley Springs 
Road and the Warrenton Pike.  I stopped there 
to rest but I couldn't stop crying.  Others 
stopped with me but most everyone else kept
right on going.

Some officers showed up after we were there 
about a half hour and ordered us to reform for 
another attack.  The minute they turned their 
backs I took off running again, still crying, 
with a bunch of others who were just as scared 
as me.  I don't know how far I run that night 
but I collapsed on the side of the road with 
about fifteen others and no two of us were 
from the same regiment.

In the morning, yesterday, we fell in with a 
regiment from General Reynolds' Division that 
had been ordered to retreat and marched about 
ten miles into Washington, DC. The Confederates 
had given us another thrashing.  I was certain 
we had lost the war and that it was somehow my
fault.

When we got to Washington I found out where the 
remains of the 5th NJ were and rejoined the 
regiment.  There were only about 200 men there 
when I got there.  Throughout the day about 
another 150 wandered in.

The 127 who didn't show up we learned were either 
killed or wounded in the battle.  Homer was dead, 
and Sgt. Sterling had lost his right arm.  They
were heroes and I was a coward.

We didn't know it at the time but when we were on 
Dawkins Branch Creek on the 28th we were only 
about a half mile from General Lee's headquarters.  
The whole right flank of the Confederate Army was 
open to attack.  But because JEB Stuart had cut 
our communications with General Reynolds we were 
not aware of it.

I had finally seen the elephant, but could not 
look him in the eye.  But, I wasn't alone and 
because of all the confusion I don't believe 
anyone knows how much of a coward I am. I'm not 
sure I want to try again to stare down the 
elephant.

What I need now is rest.